….Podcast Lesson 01 | What do we think makes love last?..Podcast Lesson 01 | ¿Qué creemos que hace que el amor dure?….
What Makes Love Last by Brené Brown & Drs. John & Julia Gottman
Brené Brown Episode Show Notes: Direct Link
Listen to the Unlocking Us exclusively on Spotify: Direct Link
….Here are the notes we took for the episode 👇🏼..Aquí están las notas que tomamos para el episodio👇🏼….
Estefi’s Notes:
Let me think about it in the proposal You first need to tell me if its work or personal
Whatever we could have in NorthWestern we could create in Seattle because she liked kids
Why dont we use what we know to help people’s relationships
Why are succesful marriages measured by the time theyve been together
4 horsemen fault lines
Criticism
Contempt
Defensiveness
Stonewalling
I am upset that the kitchen is a mess would you please clean it up
Point at themselves and say what they need
I am (myself) ___ about (description) _____ would you please (positive need) ____
Why is this important to you?
Is there a dream behind this?
Tell me more about the meaning behind this for you?
To know each other as human beings and we need to feel accepted and cherished from our partners — not as a perfect one — as somebody who makes mistakes — makes mistakes every day — the deeer humanity builds a deeper friendship — nobody is perfect we cant expect our partners to fit some soulmate idea — they are just a person who are doing th ebest they can — help me understand, what triggered you — then we can really start to understand each other and our history, and see each other in the context of a deeper humanity not a human on a pedestal.
It is hard when we are scared.
Contempt — scoffing eyeroll oh you think that — shame
Gratitude bank appreciation — daily i see you — culture iof appreciation — deposits in bank account
Nurturing in a relqtionship — cuddling, making love, instead of it becoming a desert —
Expressing appreciation, admiration, turning towards each other to show that — responding to him instead of saying hey you are bothering me — to create friendship and trust —
Taking responsibility —
Curiosity — stay curious with our partners — 8 dates book — to keep curiosity alive
When couples get busy they forget that each person is evolving over time, their minds, their bodies.
If we dont ask each other those big open ended questions then we dont really keep in touch with each other.
Who is our partner evolving to be?
I have no idea who I am and I sure as hell dont know who you are
Stonewalling: Withdrawing to avoid conflict
Going onto fight or flight — feeling like ongoing criticism — the blood moves cortexes to run or fight — with less blood in the front we can think, speak or listen, lacking enough oxygen.
You have to call for a break.
You say when you’ll come back — so your partner doesn’t feel abandoned.
You leave and then dont think about the fight and rehearsing then you are going to stay in fight or flight.
You have to do something self soothing.
Takes your mind off the fight.
The words that leave a mark words you cant unhear.
Protecting your partner from the meanest type of you.
Protecting your relationship of fault line creation.
Calling a time out.
MEIJUN’S NOTES:
“you have to be upfront are we talking about work or our life”
We are getting on each others souls in a neg way, we are seeing more hostility and criticism, seeing whats wrong with our partner vs whats right.
The 4 horseman (4 fault lines for a potential earthquake)
criticism
contempt
defensiveness
stonewalling
We want something interesting and diff than we are.
What happens in a relationship is that one partner is trying to turn the other person into them. Thinking im perfect and your inadequate because you’re not like me and criticism emerges. Lots of pointing fingers and list all these characteristics that they want their partner to change hoping that the other partner will respond in a positive way but instead turns into defensiveness.
The masters point their fingers to themselves and say something like “i’m upset that the kitchen is a mess would you please clean that up” it might sound wierd at first because it takes practise to make it feel natural.
I feel language about (the situation) not the character flaw of the other person
Then say a positive need, what you do want in order for your partner to shine for you. Eg. Would you please drive slowly, would you please take the dog out.
All this takes place in the context of share humor accepting the partner as they are, reassuring them everything is ok. Because they are friends, they have been there for each other, built a life together, shared humor, laugh at yourself, play, adventure.
There’s alot that happen outside of the conflict.
The foundation is the Deep friendship and appreciation for each other
Asking each other open ended questions: why is this so important to you, help me understand what this need means to you, where does this come from in your history. Help me understand what triggered you.
Understand each other more as human beings. Knowing each other at a soul deep level.
Flawed, imperfect, selfish, greedy, inconsiderate, thoughtless, all of this is part of being human. We need to feel accepted and cherished as human beings, not seen as this perfect thing, but as somebody who makes mistakes everyday. This is what builds a deeper friendship. It’s that recognition. We can’t expect our partner to fit this soul mate role.
The lack of interest in one another leads to the emergence of the 4 horsemen
We can’t let our friendship die
Making the best decision we can with the info we have
41:55 - fear : whats unpredictable and out of our control. How do we compensate for feeling helpless - pandemic, racial violence, trump era, our values are under attack, it feels out of our control. It’s like a cat in a corner. We are becoming over controling to have control over what is in our little space. When this doesn’t work, we start to get to contempt and aggression.
When we feel out of control and the partner doesn’t come to fix it, then the roof blows up.
The gentle startup: saying it perfectly can be exhausting too.
You can say you are furious but don’t take it out on our partners. Go for a walk, journal it, scream at a pillow. Anger is ok, it doesn’t mean anything bad or hurt any relationship. The contempt does.
You can be angry and gentle 47:10 John’s example
Contempt 47:49 example - name calling, sarcasm, it has a smear, scoffs, belittling
Antidote: built a culture of appreciation, find gratitude for positive actions, remind yourself of your partner: pick specific things to uplift your partner with. Daily gratitude.
It’s like building an emotional bank account
5 positive for 1 negative
Even if you disagree with your partner, you give them a nod, vocalizing I see, asking questions, attending to her, validate.
Instead of being defensive, take responsiblity
We are changing every day, it’s important to be curious to learn about your partners constant change, eg. Becauze I liked running before doesnt mean i like it now.
We also have to pay attention to our own changes and communicate that with our partner
1:01:00: Stonewalling: When you are talking calmly to your partner and you are feeling more and more attacked and criticized going in fight or flight, heart it racing and you wanna run away, and get out of here or fight for your life.
When this happens, we cannot listen or interpret or problem solve or think creatively or speak gently. It’s scientific. Prefrontal cortex is offline. YOU HAVE TO CALL FOR A BREAK. Say when you come back we will continue this conversation, give yourself a min of 30 - 60 min to reset. Then on your break, don’t think about the fight or rehearse what you want to say or tjink about what your partner said, take your mind off of it completely and do something self soothing. Come back even if you don’t feel full yet and ask for more time.
The goal is not to win but to understand each other
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….What was your favorite part of this episode?..¿Cuál fue tu parte favorita de este episodio?….
….Here are some quick access links in case you haven’t heard it yet!..Aquí tienes algunos enlaces de acceso rápido en caso de que aún no lo hayas escuchado. ….
